


A Queen Shall Rise

by Obsessive_Reader



Category: South Park
Genre: Adult Content, F/M, It's South Park being South Park, Multi, My First South Park Fic, New Kid is a girl, No Girls Allowed Stereotype(it won't last forever), Polyamory, Relationship Negotiation, South Park: The Stick of Truth, Swearing, mostly compliant to the actual gameplay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-14 19:14:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29671965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Obsessive_Reader/pseuds/Obsessive_Reader
Summary: Ashley Dovahkiin has moved into South Park and she is not exactly happy about it. Sad and angry about having to leave her friends and teammates, she tries her best to be happy for her parents. Then, not even a day after moving in, she becomes apart of something bigger than she could have ever imagined when she moved to this quiet little mountain town.
Kudos: 3





	1. Just One Day

**Author's Note:**

> This is a story I started writing a few years ago sometime after I first played the game. It was originally just a bs story for me to use to practice on and get the creative juices flowing when I have writers block. But, I ended up having a little more fun with it than I realized, so I posted it onto my account on FanFiction.net.(Stressed2Obssessed if you're interested) I figured I'd be doing some good by posting it here as well. I'll be going back over to do some more editing, but mostly just to fix some typos I missed the first time.
> 
> Please, please leave a comment and tell me what you think. Reading what you guys have to say is what motivates me to keep writing.
> 
> Enjoy the story guys!

_Deep in the lands of Zaron, the humans of Kupa Keep struggle to stay alive as they are attacked by the wicked Drow Elves of Larnion. Darkness falls as the humans beg their King to save them- a noble King, known only as the Grand Wizard. For a thousand years the battle has been waged, with only the bravery of the Grand Wizard to protect his human followers. But even though the Wizard King is so undeniably cool, the Drow Elf armies continue their attacks. They seek the human's most treasured relic- the Stick of Truth. But the tides of war are soon to change, as news of a "new" kid spreads throughout the land. In order to save the humans, the Grand Wizard must get to the new kid, before the Drow Elves can manipulate his mind and USE him to take the sacred relic from human hands. For whoever controls the Stick… controls the universe…_

* * *

I huffed as I placed the last box on the floor next to my dresser. _That should be the last of it._ I wiped the sweat from my forehead as I straightened up and looked around my new room. Compared to my old one, it was small, but cozy enough. Nothing a little decorating wouldn't fix, though. I opened up the box closest to my bed and began to unpack.

First thing I took out were my snow globes. I've always liked collecting them. There was one with a small zebra from the Central Park Zoo, one with a big shark from an aquarium, a small candle in the shape of a 9 that my mom got me for my birthday, and one that had a large Christmas tree. That one was my favorite. It was the biggest, the prettiest, and it had a music box inside. One by one, I took out the snow globes and set them on the little shelf by my window. I reached for the Christmas one and twisted the little knob on the side before setting the glob down. I smiled as the soft tune of Silent Night played throughout my room.

I opened up another box and started to take out some of my clothes. On top of the pile in the box were two things; my purple baseball hat and my glove. I was pitcher for my old school's baseball team, and I loved every second of it. Of all the things that I was going to miss from New York, playing with my team was on top of the list.

I grinned as I picked up the hat and glove, then turned to look at the cheap wall mirror mom had gotten me. My hair was in a low, messy bun, with some of my bangs hanging around my face. Though its natural color was dark brown, like my parents, mine was currently a soft, dark shade of green. That's right. I was nine years old and had my whole head dyed green. My parents made me a deal that they would let me dye my hair if I got straight A's on my report card, and I did! It's not that I didn't like my natural hair, it was just fun and cool to color it. Not to mention, being the only kid in school to have colored hair was pretty badass.

I grinned as I placed my baseball cap on top of my head. With my black tee and and dark jeans it really pulled off the whole look. At that moment there was a knock at my door.

"Ashley? Sweetie, you all dressed?"

I quickly tossed my glove onto the bed and straightened my shirt.

"Yeah, I'm good."

The door opened, and in stepped my parents. Tall, pale and with full heads of dark brown hair, even with my green hair I was still the spitting image of both of them. I had my mother's dark brown eyes though.

"Hey, Champ. How do you like your new room?" my dad asked.

I looked around and nodded. "It's alright."

"I know it's a big change for all of us, but… hon, do you remember why we moved to this quiet little mountain town?"

I raised an eyebrow. "Because you got a better job offer here, right?"

"Y-yes!" Mom stepped in. "Yes, that's it. No other reason! Uh, sweetie, we want you to have lots of fun here. Why don't you go out and make some friends?"

"Right, get outside and play, hon. Like… like normal kids. Maybe you can find some nice kids to play baseball with. I heard the boys around here like to play at the park once in a while."

I huffed and folded my arms. "The boys here aren't gonna let me play with them, dad."

"Well, I'm sure the girls might-"

I snorted. "Have you seen this place? I highly doubt the girls here like to play sports."

As much as I loved playing with my girls back in the city, I always got picked on for trying to play with boys. I don't know why I wanted to play with them so much. They just seemed to have a little more fun than my team did, and I wanted some of that. But, they would never let me onto their ballfield, or play with them at all for that matter, just because I was a girl. I really made me angry sometimes.

"Well… you never know," dad continued. "The boys here might be nicer and will let you play."

"Anyways, you should still go outside and explore," said mom. "We've got some money on the kitchen counter, sweetie. Just… be back before it gets dark."

I sighed. "Yes, ma'am."

Dad rolled his eyes. "Yeah, we love you, too."

They both turned and shut the door behind them. I kicked at the ground a little bit, feeling a bit bummed out now. Whatever. Mom was right. I might as well check out this town and at least try to have fun.

After grabbing the money off the counter (along with some additional money I found around the house), I finally went outside. One thing about this place was that it was very cold; so cold that the snow seemed to never melt. At least that's what some of the locals had said. But, it was a warmer cold than what I was used to in the city.

I stuffed my hands in my pockets as I started heading down the sidewalk. It was pretty quiet, save for the car or two that would drive by. I kicked some snow from underneath my feet, keeping my eyes on the ground.

"You shall die by my Warhammer, drow elf!"

I glanced up at the sound of another person nearby, and I saw two boys around my height just several feet ahead of me. Curiously, I snuck up behind a snow pile to get a better look. One of the boys was a small kid dressed like Robin Hood with elf ears. The other was a little blonde boy dressed in blue robes and a cape that looked like a bath towel, a gold headband sitting atop his head.

"I banish thee to the Forest Realm," the blond kid declared as he swung a small hammer.

"No way, I banished you first!" the elf kid seemed to be smacking the other pretty hard as he laughed. "Ha HA! You can't hold out much longer."

"Help! Somebody! I can't hold out much longer!"

I frowned. I didn't know what these two were doing, but I wasn't about to see another kid get picked on. I leapt over the snow pile before running up to the elf kid and punching him in the arm. He yelped in pain, dropping his wooden sword as he clutched his arm.

"Hey, no fair! That's cheating! I'm gonna tell my mom!"

He picked up his sword and ran off down the street. I raised an eyebrow at him before turning to look down at the boy.

"Are you alright?"

The boy blinked up at me for a second before nodding quickly. He fished through the snow for a moment before retrieving his hammer.

"Thanks, kid. I didn't realize he had a health potion," he stood on his feet and bowed to me. "My- my name is Butters the Merciful. I'm a paladin."

I couldn't help but look at him pityingly. Poor kid. He had that naive, innocent look about him that made bad people want to mess him up. Still, I couldn't help but smile and bow my head back.

"Nice to meet you, I'm Ash."

"Cool! Hey, looks like I live right next door to you! We should be friends!"

I blinked, but didn't decline. No sooner did he say that than I got an alarm on my phone, telling me I had gained a follower on Facebook. That didn't take long at all. Wait until mom and dad hear this. Before I could reply at all, Butters immediately turned and started to walk away.

"Now that we're friends, you should speak with the Wizard King! He's been talking about your arrival!"

"He has?"

"Are you kidding? The whole town's been talking about it. It's been ages since anyone new has come here. Come on now, the Wizard lives this way, in the green house, over there."

I swallowed as I looked back at my home, then back at Butters' retreating figure. I quickly made up my mind and began running after him. I didn't slow down until I was right behind him, huffing slightly.

"Where're you from?"

"Um… New York City."

"Ooh, the big city. You don't look much like a city kid."

I shrugged, unsure of how to respond. Butters looked over at me.

"You don't talk much, do yah?"

I shook my head.

"That's fine. I can talk for the both of us if I have to."

After a few moments, we reached a tall, bright green house. Butters walked up to the door and didn't hesitate to knock on it. A second later, the door opened to reveal a really fat kid in purple robes and a blue wizards hat, holding a large staff.

"All hail the Grand Wizard!" Butters proclaimed, then whispered to me, "This is Eric, but everyone calls him Cartman."

"So, you are the new kid. Your coming was foretold by a Coldwell Banker. I am the Wizard King."

I raised an eyebrow at him. "Um… hey, I'm-."

"The time for talk is nigh. Let me show you my kingdom."

Cartman turned and walked away, Butters following behind him. I remained where I stood, frozen in confusion and nervousness. I literally just walked outside 20 minutes ago and all of a sudden I have all of these people wanting to talk to me. How? Butters stopped following Cartman and walked back to me, slowly raising his hand.

"Aww, it's okay to be nervous, Ash."

Butters smiled at me, and I couldn't help but feel better. Shrugging, I took his hand and let him lead me into the house. We passed through the living room and by Cartman's mom, who was watching Terrance and Philip. We went through the large, very clean kitchen and out into the backyard, and that's when I saw just how huge the "kingdom" actually was.

It was nothing like the forts I used to make when I was little. There were towers as tall as trees, animal pits and fighting rings, and several stations where there appeared to be armor for sale. There were several more boys, all in different kinds of robes and armor, some nice, others looking ready for battle. It was very impressive.

"Welcome, to the kingdom of Kuppa Keep."

Cartman walked over to a weapon station, where a mouse-haired boy in red robes stood.

"Our weapon shop here is tended by Clyde, a level 14 warrior."

Clyde smirked and gave me a small nod, which I returned. Cartman walked over to the animal pit, where there was a boy in green robes and his tongue was sticking out.

"Here you can see our massive stables. Overseen by level 9 ranger… Scott Malkinson, who has the power of diabetes."

I frown at Cartman, but Scoot seemed happy and grinned at me. I smiled back as Cartman lead me towards the castle. Next to its entrance, there was what I thought was a very pretty girl, with golden winglets in her hair, a gold crown on her head, and wearing a white and purple dress that flowed beautifully in the wind. It was only a second later that I realized it was a boy in a wig.

"And here, of course, is the breathtaking and lovely Princess Kenny. The fairest maiden in all the kingdom," Cartman introduced, then he whispered to me, "Don't ask why Kenny wanted to be a chick, it's just how he seems to be rolling right now…"

Princess Kenny curled a strand of golden hair around her finger, smiling sweetly at me. I smiled and gave a small bow, making her giggle. Curiously, I walked around the backyard/kingdom, feeling more and more excited by the second. This was awesome! I was already making friends. Not only had I made new friends with a bunch of boys, I was actually going to be able to play with them. Dad was right!

Cartman was calling me back, and I was on my way back before I felt my foot kick something. I looked down and saw a beautiful daffodil. I picked it up off the ground before walking back to the others. I turned to Princess Kenny and offered the flower to her. She squealed and took it from me happily. My phone went off again, and I realized I had gained another Facebook friend. As Princess Kenny swooned over the flower, I walked over to Cartman and Butters.

"You have been sought out, New Kid, because humans everywhere are in great danger. I need something from you and, in return, I am prepared to allow you into my kingdom."

"Really?"

"Yes, I know you are very excited. It's time for your first quest, but first- please tell us thy name."

"Actually, my king, they're name is-"

"He's a grown boy, Butters," Cartman cut him off. "He is perfectly capable of speaking his own name. So, traveler?"

I stared at Cartman with my mouth opened, too focused on the particular words he had just said. _Boy. He. His_. These words spun through my head at top speed. They thought I was a boy, that's why they were letting me play with them. They didn't know I was a girl.

"New Kid?"

I gulped. "A-Ash," I said quickly. "My name is Ash."

Cartman nodded. "Very well, Ash. You will now choose a class: Fighter, Mage, Thief, or Jew. Go into the chest, and pick out your robes."

I glanced over at Butters worryingly. "What should I pick?"

"Whatever your heart desires, Ash," Butters said simply.

I rolled my eyes. "Alright…"

I went over to a large chest filled with clothes. Well, if I had to pick a class… I guess Mage sounded the best. Who cares if I'm not as cool as the Grand Wizard. Magic is magic, right? I took out a bright blue bathrobe and put it on, along with a silver headband. I also found a pretty, silver mage ring in the pocket, and immediately put it on. It went well with my necklace. I walked back over to Cartman and Butters once I was done.

"Well, how do I look?"

"You look great!" said Butters.

"We welcome to our Kingdom, Ash the Mage!" Cartman declared.

"Hooray!"

"Now, please go and visit the weapons shop. Procure yourself a weapon and we shall teach you to fight!"

I nodded and immediately headed over to the weapons shop. Clyde was still over there, polishing one of his many weapons.

"Would you like to see my wares, weary traveler?"

"Um, sure. Whatcha got for a Mage?"

"We have a nice level 1 magic wand right here for you."

"Level 1, huh? Well, gotta start somewhere, I guess. I'll take that one."

"Ah, a lovely purchase."

Clyde handed me the wand as I handed him 2 dollars. I looked down at the small, but very pointy twig with contempt. It wasn't the best looking thing, but it would have to do. I held it up in the air, and imagined I could feel the magic flowing through me. As I pictured magic sparks coming out of it, Cartman walked over to us.

"Ah! You have procured a weapon. Nice. It is now time to teach you how to fight," he said. "I want you to take your new weapon, and, with the bravery of a noble knight- beat up Clyde."

"What?!" Clyde and I said in unison.

"Kick Clyde's ass, Ash!"

"What'd I do?!"

"I'm the King, Clyde, and the King wishes to be amused!" Cartman smirked at me. "Go on, Ash, kick his ass."

Clyde sighed irritably as he made is way over to the arena. I followed him nervously. I didn't want to fight anyone just yet. Besides, I'm only level 1, surely he'll beat me! I gulped as I stepped into the opposite side of the ring. Cartman stood on the outside, observing us both.

"I'm gonna kick your ass!" Clyde threatened.

"Clyde you have to wait your turn."

"That's lame."

"No Clyde, it's like olden times. You have to wait your turn. Like in Middle Ages, Clyde! I know it's lame, Clyde, but that's how we're fucking doing it!" Cartman looked over at me. "All right, Ash, bash Clyde's face in! Don't be shy."

I looked at my wand, then looked up at Clyde. I shrugged before running forward until I was right in front of him. I raised my wand and brought it down onto his head. He grunted in pain as I quickly thrusted my arm forward and hit him again. He moaned as I stepped back to the other side of the arena.

"Oh hell yeah! Clyde's your bitch!" Cartman jeered. "All right, Clyde's wearing armor. In order to hurt him, I want you to hit Clyde as hard as you can."

I nodded before taking a small stance. I was quickly getting used to this, but still felt bad about hitting him. Nevertheless, I quickly ran forward until I was in front of him. I spun around with my stick and it whipped him across the face.

"Ow!"

"Oh shit, dude, I think I see blood! Fucking nice, brah! That's exactly what you do to guys with armor like that," the King continued. "Okay, listen up. The key to surviving in battle is not to get hit in the balls. Clyde, it's your turn to attack. Ash, protect your balls!"

 _Not like I need to worry about that,_ I thought to myself. Clyde ran forward, shouting, "Prepare yourself!" I raised my wand to block him, but he managed to hit my shoulder before walking away.

"No, no. I said PROTECT. PROTECT your balls."

Clyde remained silent as he advanced on me again. I groaned as I raised my wand again, ready this time. He swung down as I swung up, and I blocked his attack.

"YES! That's what I'm talking about. Dude, you're already WAY better than Clyde," the King laughed. "All right. It is time to use some of your heroic powers. Using your abilities takes power points, or PP for short."

Clyde snickered. "Hehe… PP…"

"IF YOU HAVE A FUCKING BETTER NAME FOR THEM THEN FUCKING SAY IT, CLYDE!" The King yelled. "FUCKING ASSHOLE! I'M THE KING, AND I SAY IT'S PP! Ash, use your Mage ability to make Clyde pay for insulting the king!"

"But, I don't…"

But just then, I felt something slip into my back pocket. I turned to see no one except Butters, who was walking away from me, whistling to himself. I looked into my pocket and saw what were clearly several roman candles and a lighter. Each of the roman candles had the words "Dragon's Breath" written on them. Sweet. My parents never let me play with fireworks. I took out a roman candle and lit it with the lighter before quickly running over to Clyde. The candle was small so it didn't blow up, but it did send thick sparks into this face and set his head on fire.

"Way to wipe that smile off his stupid face, Ash. Now… do it one more time. Finish him!"

"What? I was going easy!" Clyde sputtered. "Take this!"

He ran forward and swung his sword at me. I blocked the first one just fine, but the second one still hit me in the gut. Clyde's head was still on fire as he went back to his spot. I didn't want to waste my candles just yet, but orders were orders. I took out another candle and lit it up on Clyde, the fire on his head increasing slightly. He gave a fatal wheeze before finally falling to the ground, weeping. Despite feeling bad about hurting him, I also felt proud. I had just won my first battle. As Clyde finally put out the fire on his head, Cartman began to laugh.

"Dude, that was awesome! You all like _brammgmg!_ And Clyde was all like 'ahghg noo!' Ha ha ahaaa!"

I was happy that Cartman was happy about my fight. He seemed like he was a tough guy to please, so I felt I had made an accomplishment in that. Cartman finally caught his breath as he stopped laughing and immediately became serious again.

"Okay, okay… You've proved yourself worthy, Ash. Now, come inside the war tent and I shall let you see the relic."

Cartman turned and walked back into his tent. I was about to follow when I heard angry grumbling from behind me. Clyde was still picking himself up, brushing dirt off of this costume.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"I'm fine," he said shortly.

Before I could apologize or anything, Clyde turned and stomped back to his station by the weapons. I felt bad, but I figured it might be okay. I'll apologize to him later.

I turned and followed Cartman into his tent. It was a pretty sweet set up, despite the mess. There was food, robes, weapons of all sort, and a tall, makeshift throne that was pretty impressive. As I turned to examine all of the room, I saw Cartman standing in front of a makeshift pedestal. On it was a long, plain-looking stick on top of a soft, red pillow.

"Well, here it is. The reason why humans and elves are locked in a never-ending war. The relic for which human and elf are willing to die…" Cartman gestured. "The Stick of Truth."

I walked forward to stand beside him to get a closer look at the Stick. It was just a little twig, but something compelled me to gaze at it in wonder, the same way Cartman was.

"What's so powerful about it?" I asked.

"Ash, this stick is the most powerful force on Earth," he answered. "Just two days ago, we took the Stick back from the elves. Our kingdom was dying, but now it thrives. For whoever controls the Stick, controls the universe."

"Wow…"

"Don't gaze at it too long!" he warned. "For its power is too much for mere mortals to look at!"

I gulped and turned my head away from the Stick. Cartman put a hand on my shoulder and lead me away from the pedestal.

"Now that you have seen the Stick of Truth, let's discuss your dues. Being a member of my kingdom costs nine ninety-five for the first week, four dollars of which is tax deductible."

I frowned. "You're joking, right?"

"Alarm! Alarm! Alarm!"

Cartman removed his hand, looking worried. "Someone has sounded the alarm!"

"Alarm! Alarm! Alarm!"

At that moment, Butters came running into the tent, waving his arms and shouting "Alarm!" He looked terrified.

"What is it?"

"The elves are attacking!"

"Oh my god!" Cartman cried. "Defensive positions!"

He and Butters both ran out before I could say or do anything. I stood still for a moment before running out after them.

"Man the gate! Don't let them through!"

"Give us the Stick, humans!"

"Fuck you, drow elf! Come and get it!" Cartman turned to Clyde. "CLYDE! GUARD THE STICK OF TRUTH WHILE WE DEFEND THE FORTRESS!"

"Aye, aye!"

"'Aye, aye'?! We're not playing PIRATES, Clyde!" Cartman looked at me. "Ash, this is your chance to prove yourself. HOLD OFF THE ASSHOLE ELVES AT ALL COSTS!"

And with that, he ran off to fight. I stood there for a moment, feeling nervous. What was going to happen now? These kids seemed to take this game pretty seriously. And this wasn't training anymore, this was real. I gripped my wand tightly as I pulled a serious face and ran out into the fray.

The kingdom was in uproar. There were now dozens of elves just like the one I had seen attacking Butters earlier, all with fake, pointed ears. I looked to my right and saw that Butters had his weapon knocked out of this hand, and the elf attacking him was still hitting him without mercy. I quickly ran forward and smacked the elf with my wand, engaging the fight. A second elf with a bow and arrow ran in to help his friend.

"Do it, Ash! Kick these elves' asses!"

"Suck on this!"

The elf with the bow loaded it and fired at me. I wasn't ready, and it hit me right on my forehead. I groaned. That actually hurt.

"You're wounded, Ash!" Cartman cried. "Some potions will heal you. Here."

He tossed something in my direction and I caught it. It was a bag of… Cheesy Poofs? Whatever. I opened the bag and ate up the poofs, feeling instantly better.

"The rules are you can have one potion every turn. I asked for five but this was a compromise," he said. "Okay, this other guy is fast, Ash. Try to block all his attacks."

The second elf ran forward, holding his sword in the air. He swung up, I blocked it. He swung at my middle, and I blocked it again. This time, I knocked him off his balance, and he fell to the ground.

"Okay, if you block all the attacks you get a counterattack. Look at your enemy on the ground, weak and helpless. KICK THE SHIT OUT OF HIM!"

I gripped my wand tightly before plunging it forward into the elf before me. He yelped before quickly retreating backwards.

"Awesome, you kicked his helpless ass! Now, finish off these elves in the name of the Wizard King."

"Yes, your highness," I responded. I was really starting to get into this.

I gazed at the elves as I thought of who I should go for first. I decided to go for the first one. I ran up to him and quickly smacked him with a double attack, knocking him out. I grinned at the second elf, who already had another arrow ready. He fired, but this time I was ready. Holding my wand like a baseball bat, I swung out and blocked the oncoming arrow. He stared at me in surprise as I ran forward and smashed his head with my wand, making him run away.

"Great job, Ash!"

Once that fight was over I quickly ran out to see who else needed help. I looked and saw that Scott was unconscious on the ground, a tall elf still beating him. I quickly ran forward and smacked the elf in the back of the head. He turned his attention away from Scott and focused on me as another elf with a bow came to help him.

"You got this, Ash!"

"Die, asshole!"

The elf in the back fired his arrows and I quickly blocked both of them. I gripped my wand as I ran forward to the first guy in front of me. I swung my wand, but he quickly blocked and hit my knees before I could do anything.

"Hahaha! Aw, man, he was totally waiting for you, dude. You can't just hit him like that," Cartman laughed.

"Well, what the hell am I supposed to do?"

"You need to try a different tactic to damage him. Look at that archer, hiding behind his friend like a wuss. Switch to your arrows, Ash. Snipe that little bitch!"

"But I don't have any-"

But just as I spoke I felt something else slip onto my shoulder. I looked and saw that I now had a bow, along with a quiver full of arrows. I smirked as I took out the bow and an arrow, aiming at the archer. Archery wasn't my best skill, but I knew enough to make a hit. I aimed at the archer elf and fired. It hit him right in his eye, and he dropped his weapons and ran.

"Yeah, bitch! That's what you get for fucking with the Wizard King."

"I'm telling!"

"Careful, Ash! That guy's ready for your arrows now. You gotta try something else."

I immediately took out my lighter and a candle, lighting it up. I brought it up to the elf and it started sparking in his face. He dropped his sword as he fell backwards, defeated.

"Hell yeah, I'm on a roll!" I cheered.

I looked to see if there were any more elves around, and saw one asshole elf beating up Cartman's cat. Seriously? Beating up other kids is one thing, but animals? No way! I ran up to him and didn't hesitate to smack him in the face. He and his friend began to advance on me.

"Okay, that guy has a shield," said Cartman. "Shields are super weak. Just hit them with your simplest hit over and over to wear them down quickly."

I nodded as I took my wand. I ran over to the shielded elf and smacked him a total three times. The first took out his shield, the other two knocked him out completely. His friend stared at me, surprised.

"The other elf let his guard down! Now's your chance. Power Attack his armor!"

I ran forward and gave a powerful swing, knocking down his armor. He grunted, but remained standing.

"That's it! Now finish him!"

The elf ran up to me with his large hammer, and swung it at me. I blocked it, knocked him down, then stabbed him in his rear end. Once it was my turn, I ran up and did another power attack. I smacked him right across the face and he fell, dropping his weapon.

"Drow Elves! Fall back! Fall back, I say!"

At once, all of the elves began to stand and run away, following their leader back into Cartman's house. The remaining humans all stood and watched as the elves ran away.

"YES! Awesome, dude!" Cartman hollered. "TAKE THAT, YOU ASSHOLE ELVES! Better luck next time! NA NA NA NA NAAA NA! WE STILL CONTROL THE UNIVERSE! HA HA HA HA HAAA HA!"

"It's gone."

We all turned to see Clyde standing beside us. Everyone stared at him.

"What?"

"The Stick of Truth. The elves got it."

There were three solid seconds of silence, in which everyone stared blankly at Clyde, who appeared unfazed by what he had done. Cartman was the first to snap.

"THAT WAS YOUR ONE GOD DAMN JOB CLYDE! TO GUARD THE STICK OF FUCKING TRUTH!"

Clyde still remained unfazed as he stared back at Cartman, who sighed irritably. Then, he stared daggers as he continued,

"Clyde… you are hereby, BANISHED FROM SPACE AND TIME!"

"What?! NO! You can't do that."

"Yeah, I can! You're banished and lost in time and space!"

"Yeah! Go home, Clyde!" Butters added.

Everyone waited expectantly as Clyde stared at all of them. He stood there for a moment before letting out an angry sound and turning away. He bumped my shoulder hard as he walked past me, pushing me away. I gulped. I guess he was still mad about me beating him up earlier.

"You fought bravely on the battlefield, Ash," Cartman told me.

"Yeah, this New Kid may be a douchebag but he sure can fight!"

"Shut up, Scoot, nobody cares what you think," Cartman continued before I could tell him off for being mean. "Anyways, we have a bigger problem now! The Stick of Truth has been stolen and we must assemble our ENTIRE army in order to get it back."

"But our three best warriors still haven't reported for duty, my king!" Butters piped up.

"What do we do?" I asked.

"Oh, you should be able to handle that."

"Me-"

"Ash, I want you to go out into the neighborhood and find my greatest warriors- Token, Tweek, and Craig. I am texting their pictures to your personal inventory device now…"

At that moment I felt my phone in my pocket buzz. I took it out to see I had a message from Cartman. Inside were the three pictures; a small black boy in red and purple robes, a twitchy-looking blonde kid with black stripes painted across his face, and a small boy in a dark blue cap and a black cape. This had to be them.

"I got them."

"Good. Now, beware… the lands outside are full of marauding drow elves, monsters and sixth graders. Be sure you are well equipped. Now go! And send my warriors here! Butters, go with him."

Butters bowed to Cartman before trotting up to stand by me. It was then that I got another buzz on my phone and looked down. It was a message from Cartman, again. It said that I had now leveled up and had gotten a new ability. I looked at my profile and saw that my new ability, right next to "Dragon's Breath", was "Dust of Dreams"- magical sleeping powder that stunned my enemies. In truth, it was just a pouch full of flour and salt, but it looked magic enough.

"W-wow, you leveled up already!" Butters had been looking at my phone over my shoulder. "You must be really good."

"Oh, thanks," I brought up the pictures of the three boys on my phone. "Who should we go to first?"

"We should go to Token's first," said Butters. "He's the closest. He lives up past the movie theater."

I switched my screen to my gps. A map of South Park that came up and looked all over until I found the theater.

"Okay, where from here?"

"Oh, r-right here."

"Okay," I grinned at Butters. "Let's get going."


	2. Warriors Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys are enjoying this. Leave a commemt and let me know what you think!

After raiding Cartman's house for some money and materials, we began heading down the street. I saw several other kids who weren't dressed in robes, but in normal clothes. They obviously weren't playing. We also passed several adults as well, most of whom were on their phones.

"Everyone is kinda glued to their phones, huh?" I asked Butter.

"I suppose," he said. "It's usually the grownups though. They're really weird."

I nodded. Grownups were indeed weird.

After passing the theater and going up another street, we walked through the snow on the way to what I assumed to be Token's house. The fences were replaced with tall, brick walls, and the streets here looked much cleaner and had less snow on them. We had been walking in silence for several minutes now. As I walked down the sidewalk I could feel Butters' eyes on me as he walked beside me.

"So, uh… Y-you were wearing a baseball hat earlier," he started. "Do you play baseball?"

I nodded. "Yeah, all the time. I even played for my school's baseball team."

"Wowie. You must be a really good player!"

"Oh, I don't know about that. I mean, I'm not perfect," I could feel my ears growing hot. "But, I do love it very much."

"Oh boy! You should play with us sometime," Butters suggested. "Every now and then we all go to the baseball field and mess around. I bet you'd love it."

I smiled and thanked him. Butters was definitely the nicest person here so far. I had a feeling he and I was going to get along.

As we rounded the corner I finally spotted the entrance. The words "Dark Meadows" were engraved on the front of the gate. It looked like the entrance to a big community, but it seemed to only encase one house.

"That's Token's place," said Butters.

I nodded and began to walk towards the front of the gate. There was a security guard standing with a clipboard in his hand. He looked very mean, but not very intimidating. An odd combo. I slowly walked up to him and took a deep breath.

"Hello, um… we're trying to see our friend? It's urgent?"

"This is a gated community, kid," the guard spoke stiffly. "We do not allow in the riffraff. Move along."

I raised my eyebrow. "Well, is there any way we can get inside-"

Before I could finish my sentence he advanced on me. He took out a big bottle of peppery spray and sprayed it in my face. My vision went black as I fell to my knees and proceeded to vomit on the ground.

"If you try again, I will pepper spray you back to the Stone Age."

I coughed and spat as I struggled to my feet, running down the sidewalk and not stopping until I reached the corner. Butters called after me and didn't stop running until he reached me. I was scrubbing my eyes as best I could, but without water I was helpless.

"Oh Jesus… here, this way."

Butters grabbed my arm and helped walk me down a few more feet before he stopped me. I heard the sound of rushing water, and I squinted my eyes open a little. He had lead me to a water fountain.

"H-here you go," he said gently.

I brought my hands up and cupped some water, splashing it onto my face. The whole time Butters stayed beside me and patted me on the back, muttering words of encouragement. For some reason, that seemed to be helping me feel better as well. After splashing for a few moments my vision started to clear and my eyes stung less. The slightly blurry image of Butters smiled at me.

"Better?"

"You bet. Thanks…" I looked back down the street and was suddenly filled with rage. "Ooh, I'm gonna get that son of a bitch!"

"Wow nelly!" Butters cried, grabbing my sleeve as I tried to run back. "Now just hold it one second. We can't fight him as long as he's got that pepper spray. We gotta find a way around that first."

I sighed. "Yeah… you're probably right. But how?"

"Well… what about some gas masks?" he suggested. "There's some at Jimbo's Guns. They can still sell stuff like that to kids."

I nodded. "Alright, let's go."

Butters lead the way as we started heading towards Jimbo's Guns. But, as we were walking I felt my phone buzz. I looked down to see a message on Facebook from Cartman.

" _HAHAHAHA Dude someone just posted a video of you getting pepper sprayed! Hold on I gotta watch that again. AHAHAHAHA it's even better when you know what's coming!"_

I rolled my eyes. I'm guessing Cartman wasn't exactly a nice person, huh? Whatever. There were way more annoying kids in New York. I scrolled down below the message and I could see exactly how many people had liked it… and who.

"Butters!" I snapped. "You liked the video?"

Butter stammered as he fiddled with his gloves. "W-well, I- I still thought it was f-funny, and… uh, oh geez…"

I sighed. "Whatever. Forget it. Let's keep going."

Butters remained quiet as we started to walk past the South Park Mall. I suppose he probably felt bad. Serves him right. But, still. He didn't really do any harm, I guess. I turned towards him to start my apology, but before I could two elves suddenly leapt out from behind the parking lot fence and charged.

"This elf's gonna fuck you up!"

"Oh shit!" I spat.

I blocked the first elf's attack, and managed to hit him first. Good, that means Butters and I can go first now. I went first, and I looked at all of my options to see what I should do. I decided to give my new magic ability a test drive. I took out the little bag and ran forward towards the elf with the sword. I took a handful of dust and quickly tossed it into his eyes. While he was rubbing his eyes, I took my right hand- the one with my wizard ring- and punched him straight in the chest. He fell to the ground, stunned as I retreated back to my spot.

I wasn't sure what Butters' exact abilities were, but I was excited to see. Once it was his turn, I was surprised to see him run forward towards the other elf.

"By the hammer of Butters!"

He raised his hammer in the air and began spinning around in circles. After a second he stopped and threw his hammer, which hit the elf right between his eyes. He fell backwards onto the ground, but he got back up almost immediately, now looking pissed.

"I just- was seein' if it worked!" Butters pleaded as he stepped back.

Since the first elf was still stunned, it was the pissed off one's turn. He wasted no time in charging at Butters with his hammer. I was worried, but Butters blocked it perfectly. Once it was my turn I took out my wand and tried to decide who I should go for.

"Come on!" said the one who was pissed off.

I glared at him before advancing. He hardly stood a chance as I brought my wand down onto his head, knocking him out. Butters quickly took his turn as I came back. He went out with his hammer again, raising it up and holding there for a moment before also bringing it down on the stunned one's head. This brought his health down, but not enough as he once again got to his feet. I quickly went out with my wand again before he could even do anything, and smacked him in the face. He fainted. We had won.

"Maybe now you'll turn your life around," said Butters. "Come on now, Ash, we got places to be."

I nodded. I made sure to pickpocket the two passed out elves before continuing to follow Butters down the sidewalk.

We continued down the street, passed a broken up place called City Sushi, a huge building called the Tower of Peace, and even came by a restaurant called City Wok. While passing these stores, I noticed there was a tall pole with a little red flash on it.

"What's that?"

"Oh, that's a Travel Flag," Butters answered. "Sometimes if you're lost, or too tired, you can go to one of those flags and Jimmy will drive you around to another flag. He gives rides to both kingdoms, so no one ever hurts him."

We continued just a little further down the street before I saw the sign for Jimbo's Guns. I quickly opened the door and walked in. This place was filled with guns, knives, ammo, grenades, hell I'm pretty sure I saw a rocket launcher behind the counter. There were only two people there; a tall, beefy man dressed in orange and camo, and a short, skinnier man with shades and a bandana on his head.

"Howdy there!" piped up the beefy one, who I assumed to be Jimbo. "Haven't seen you before. You must be the new kid that moved to town- and you're into huntin', huh?"

"Actually, I-"

"Well, my boy, you've come to the right place! South Park is FULL o' things to shoot that would delight ANY taxidermist, survivalist or weekend animal death enthusiast! Ain't much I can sell to a minor- thanks to the stupid Democrats…"

I raised my eyebrows at him. I wasn't sure about this guy. For one, he also couldn't see well enough to tell that I was a girl. For another, he sounded like he had no more than an eight grade education. He kept droning on about hunting and some sort of book he had or whatever, and I paid him no mind as I looked around for a gas mask. I looked up at equipment that sat on shelves behind Jimbo, and I saw a gas mask sitting up there.

"Hey, how much for your gas mask?"

"Oh, that'll be five dollars."

I quickly took out five dollars and placed it on the counter. Jimbo took the mask off the shelf and handed it to me.

"Here yah go! Good thing you came in, that was the last mask in the whole shop."

I nodded. "Thank you."

After leaving Jimbo's shop we quickly headed back down the street, back in the direction of Token's house. I thought about how easy it was for Jimbo to tell that I was new in town, and of how odd it was that he couldn't tell that I was a girl. Maybe the girls around here were more feminine, and my tomboy look was throwing people off. That would explain why Cartman couldn't tell that I was a girl.

"So, is everyone friends with everyone around here?" I asked. "Is it like one of those 'everyone knows everyone here' kind of places?"

"Pretty much," said Butters. "It's a small town and it has one school. Pretty much everyone knows each other. H-hey, you'll be coming to South Park Elementary from now on, huh?"

"Yeah, I guess I will. Is it an okay school?"

"Oh, it's a little rough around the edges, but you'll get used to it."

"Oh, okay. Say, how long does playing this game last anyway?"

"We usually stop when it's our bedtime or if we're at school," he answered. "We don't want our parents gettin' mad and not lettin' us play. Say, what to your parents do?"

"They're professional therapists," I told him. "They used to co-own their own office back in New York, but I guess they'll be working at home for now."

"Wow, that's neato."

I smiled at him. "So, what is it about the kids on the elven side? What happens when you take a break or the game is over?"

"Then we go back to being friends," said Butters. "None of us are friends while we play, though. A lot of my friends decided to be elves when we started playing, so now we're all enemies at the moment. But, I usually like Stan and Kyle."

"Stan and Kyle? Who's that?"

"Friends from the neighborhood. They only live a block away from us. Boy, I bet when this game is over they'd love to meet you."

Before I could respond we had already rounded the corner and were met with the sight of the gate entrance again. I could see the security guard standing there, still looking at his clipboard. I gritted my teeth as I mentally pictured shoving a doughnut down his throat while hitting his face repeatedly.

"Don't forget your mask," Butters reminded me, sounding a lot like my mother.

I nodded and quickly slipped the mask onto my face. It was snug, but it fit. I smirked widely as I confidently strode up to the security guard again.

"Hey, dickless!" I snapped, my voice muffled by the mask. "Remember me?"

The security guard turned at my voice and jumped. He immediately grabbed his pepper spray and shot it right at my face. But, as I knew it would, nothing happened. I breathed happily as I reached behind me and took out my wand.

"What the fuck?! Oh NO!"

"I'm gonna fuck you up, dude!"

The guard took a step back, holding his hands up in defense. Butters and I ran forward into our own battle positions.

"The Hammer of Justice shall strike the Nail of Evil into the Board of Being Sorry!"

Wanting to get a head start on his health, I decided to start with Dragon's Breath. I lit a candle and advanced on him, hitting him with everything the candle had. This uniform caught fire as he leapt around and I stepped back. Butters ran forward, raising his hammer and giving the guard a good smack in the gut. His health was down halfway, but not enough.

The guard straightened up as he produced a long, black baton from his belt. He instantly ran towards me and I blocked all three of his swings. Lucky. I really didn't want to feel the end of that stick on my head. I quickly ran forward gave him a good three whacks to his torso, and he started to kneel down to the ground. All it took then was one hard swing from Butters to finally bring him down.

"Move… along…!"

"Oh boy! Oh boy!"

"Nice!"

I walked forward towards the guard, removing my mask as I glared at him. Then, I saw him slowly reach for his baton, but I quickly snatched it.

"I don't think so," I looped the baton into my belt. "C'mon, Butters."

Butters and I finally went through the gate and down the stone pathway towards the house. It was by far the biggest house I had seen in the whole town. It was at least two stories and was held by many marble columns.

"I'm guessing their pretty well off?"

"Yeah. A bit."

I scoffed as we both walked up to the front of the house. I straightened up my robes before swiftly knocking on the door. A few more moments it opened, and the little black boy who I knew was Token appeared in normal clothing.

"Yeah?"

"Hey, my name is Ash," I introduced myself, holding out my hand. "I'm the new kid that just moved into town."

"Oh, pleasure to meet you," he responded, shaking my hand. "Can I help you?"

"Oh! Yeah… ahem," I cleared my throat as I pulled out the note Cartman had given me earlier. "I come with an urgent message from the Grand Wizard."

"Cartman got you playing already, huh?" Token took the note and began reading it. "What's this… Oh, the elves took the Stick again? Hang on a second."

Token disappeared behind the door for a moment. I stared at Butters, who just smiled. A second later Token reappeared, now dressed in the red and purple robes I had seen in his picture. He handed back my note.

"Thank you for thy message, traveler! I shall make haste to Kupa Keep!" he announced formally, then hollered behind him. "Mom! Can you drive me to Eric's house?"

And he shut the door in our faces.

"You're welcome…?" I turned to Butters. "He seems nice."

"Oh yeah. Token is one of the nicest guys, he's just a bit shy," Butter's seemed to puff out his chest. "Now, Mage, we must make hast to the other warriors! Come, to Tweek's we go!"

* * *

We just passed the movie theater when I looked up at the movie poster on the wall. 'Asses of Fire 2' was apparently playing all day today.

"Wowie. Asses of Fire 2 looks so awesome! Too bad we can't see it," said Butters, who was also looking at the poster. "My folks won't even let me watch the trailer."

"Why can't you see it?"

"Well, it's for adults only, yah see?" he said, pointing at the poster. "I'll never get in on my own, and Mom and Dad would never let me see it. Not after what happened last time…"

I rolled my eyes. "Dude, that's ridiculous. Tell yah what, I was gonna have my parents take me to see it before we moved but we couldn't. Now that we're here my dad will take me to see it. Wanna come with me?"

"Wha- r-really? You'd take me?! Oh, that's just amazin', Ash!" Butters ran forward and hugged me tightly, but quickly let go. "Wait… you saw the first movie, didn't yah?"

"Hell yeah I did!" I said proudly, puffing my chest out. "My dad brought me to see it after I won my first baseball game. It was hilarious. I know all the songs by heart."

"Wow!" Butters looked around and saw that no one except the ticket boy was around. He smiled and suddenly started singing. " _Shut your fucking face, uncle fucker! You're a cock sucking, ass licking uncle fucker! You're an uncle fucker, yes it's true! Nobody fucks uncles quite like you!"_

I grinned and sang as well. " _Shut your fucking face, uncle fucker. You're the one who fucked your uncle, uncle fucker. You don't eat or sleep or mow the lawn, you just fuck your uncle all day long._ "

Butters and I laughed loudly with each other. I heard the ticket boy grumble angrily under his breath as he gave us a very dirty look. We started walking down the sidewalk again, continuing to sing.

" _Shut your fucking face, uncle fucker! You're a boner biting bastard, uncle fucker! You're an uncle fucker, I must say. We fucked your uncle yesterday? Uncle fucker, that's U-N-C-L-E. Fuck you, uncle fucker, get out. Suck my balls!_ "

By the time we had finished singing and laughing Butters had already stopped moving, and so did I. I looked up to see a plain little shop in front of me, the words 'Tweak Bros. Coffee' written on the front.

"This is where Tweak and his family live," said Butters. "They have a really good business going on with their coffee. No one knows what's in it, but they love it."

I nodded before opening the door. I heard a little bell ring out as I walked inside. There was soft guitar music playing through the speakers in the shop, which was surprisingly filled with people sitting and enjoying their coffee. The interior was very green and beige based and had a very calm look and feel to it. The only thing that would make this even more relaxing is if I had a cup of coffee, which is probably what these people were going for. Up at the counter, there was a man with brown hair standing by the register.

"Welcome to Tweak Coffee," he spoke in a warm, soft voice. "Coffee made with ingredients supplied by local organic suppliers. It's local coffee. Brewed locally."

For some reason, the way he spoke about his beloved coffee really made me want to buy some. I shook my head. Now was not the time for coffee.

"Say… I haven't seen you before. You must be that New Kid that just moved in."

I gulped. "Um… hi, I'm Ash. Butters and I were wondering if Tweek was anywhere around?"

"Oh, yes. He should be in the back," he turned his head towards the other end of the store. "Tweek? Tweeeek!"

At that moment, a strangled cry erupted from the back door behind the coffee counter.

"Have you picked up the fresh local ingredients?"

"AAHGHGH NOT YET, DAD! I'M STILL TRYING TO DO ALL MY CHORES!"

"Well hurry up, son. The family business is relying on you!"

"AHGHGHGH!"

"I'm sorry, but Tweek is very busy right now," said Mr. Tweak. "Maybe he can play once he's all finished."

"Would it be okay if we helped him out a bit?" I offered. I had to get Tweek out and back to the kingdom as soon as possible.

"Hmm. I suppose so. Just go through the back door."

I nodded. I walked through the shop towards the back where I saw a brown door with a sign that said 'Employees Only'. I shrugged and walked in anyway, Butters still right on my tail. This room was much darker and dirtier than the whole shop. It was filled with different kinds of boxes, cleaning supplies, and other stuff that didn't make much sense. One of those things was a little boy with spiked up blonde hair, sweeping the floor and twitching maddeningly.

"Um, hey. Are you Tweek?"

The boy jumped, nearly dropping his broom. It was then that I noticed that he was continually shaking in his shoes.

"Agh! Wh-wha- who are you? What're you d-doing back here?!"

"Hey, it's okay," I soothed. "My name's Ash. I just moved into town."

Tweek's shaking seemed to cease slightly.

"Oh! Y-you? Um… h-hi, I guess? Argh!"

Butter's nudged my arms. "Ash, the note."

"Oh, right," I took a deep breath and took out Cartman's note. "I have brought you a message from the Grand Wizard."

"Wh-what?" Tweek took the note and read it. "AHGHGH! NOW?! The guys need me now? Oh, there's no way, man! I have WAY too much to do! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ALL THIS?!"

Tweek started twitching violently as he grabbed me by the collar in panic. He started hyperventilating and I quickly grabbed his arms.

"Dude, calm down, it's fine," I told him. "Look, the Wizard King needs your help, we need you if we want to get the Stick back. Butters and I are more than willing to help you get there faster. Now, what do you need us to do?"

Tweek took several deep breaths as he let go of me, his twitching slowing down to a minimum. He looked around the room, as if trying to see what we can do.

"Agh… um… Hey, I got it!" he piped up. "Could you go get the four o'clock delivery for me?! If you do I can finish here and then- and then I'll still have time to play! PLEASE! Would you?!"

"Can do," I said, smiling. "Where do we go to get it?"

"It's at Kenny's house- like always! Y-you give them THIS-" Tweek handed me a small white envelope that was very thick. "They'll give you the delivery!"

I nodded. "Got it. We'll get the stuff, no problem."

* * *

"We just have to cross the train tracks."

I stared, slack jawed in awe at the sight before me. I don't know what I expected Kenny's home to look like, but this definitely wasn't it. It was a complete disaster of a house that sat on the edge of the town on basically a huge mound of dirt and snow. Broken glass and beer bottles were literally everywhere I could see. The house itself was an ugly, moldy green, and it appeared to be covered in actual mold as well. Several windows were cracked and bits of the roof were missing. I could just barley hear a static TV running from inside.

"Kenny doesn't really live here, does he- does she?"

"Well yeah, his family has always been here."

I shook my head. "Okay… let's just get the package so we can go."

I marched up to the molding front door and knocked. A couple seconds later I heard the stomping of feet before the door opened. A tall woman with bright red hair and a green 'I'm with Stupid' shirt stepped out. She looked very dirty and thin, but upon looking at her bright blue eyes I guessed that she had to be Kenny's mom.

"What?" she said in a scratchy voice.

"Um… we're here to pick up a package?" I said politely, holding up the envelope.

"Oh, this isn't for me," she said. "This is for the nice people who are renting the guest house out the back."

"Okay, can we go give it to them, then?"

"Sure, here's the garage key. Just don't cause any trouble."

She handed me a small, rusty key before turning and shutting the door.

"She seems… okay," I said as Butters and I walked over to the garage.

"Oh, they're nice enough," said Butters. "They just have troubles."

We walked through the door of the garage and saw another door in the back. I used the key to unlock it and stepped through. It felt like I had stepped into an episode of one of my dad's cop shows. Test tubes and chemicals everywhere, a putrid smell wafting into my nose, it was disgusting.

"Uh, these witch doctors must be cooking up a secret potion," said Butters "I wonder if it's a healing potion…"

I gave Butters an unbelievable look. I mean, really? Was he really that innocent? As I looked back into the room I saw there were only three people, two guys and a woman, all dirty and dressed poorly. They had all been looking up at me since I entered the room. I froze.

"Uh… are you the suppliers for Tweak Coffee?" I asked.

"Yeah, yeah," said the first one. "We got the package for 'em. You got the envelope?"

I scrabbled in my robes for a moment before taking out the envelope and holding it out to him. He took it and seemed to feel the envelope with his fingers. Then he squinted hard at me.

"Hey… that's not the usual kid that picks up the package."

The second guy popped up. "Huh? Oh shit, IT'S A COP!"

"What? No-!"

But the second guy had already taken a swing at me, which I dodged before smacking him with my wand. Immediately the other man and the woman stepped up, raising their fists. Looks like I wasn't getting out of this fight.

"I don't LIKE being pushed around!" Butters yelled.

I decided I wanted to put that security guard's baton to work and I took it out. I targeted the first meth head and gave him two good power attacks, which brought his health down pretty low. Butters brought out his hammer and advanced onto the same guy, giving him a good whack at the knees. This brought his health down very low. The looked furious as he took out a broken beer bottle and advanced on Butters. The meth head hit Butter's across the face, giving him a noticeable bruise, and his health was brought down to halfway. I glared at the drug dealers. Now I was pissed.

The second guy came up and tried to whack me with his plunger, but I blocked it and quickly knocked him back. The woman snarled as she threw a beer bottle at Butters, who was able to dodge it. Once it was my turn I didn't hesitate to give the first guy a good, hard hit with the baton. He was out cold in an instant, and I felt immediate satisfaction.

Butters took out what looked like a sugar packet and tore it open. He ate it and his health was back to normal. He advanced onto the second guy with his hammer and hit him right in his stomach. After getting back to his feet, the guy came at me with a broken bottle and smacked me across the face with it. I felt a sting on my nose as it was cut, but no severely. The woman ran at Butters and started Curb Stomping him over and over again. He blocked most of the kicks, but came out with a few more bruises.

I quickly ate a bag of Cheesy Poofs for some health before taking out my Dragon's Breath. I lit it up and ran at the second meth head, pelting him with sparks. He shouted something about 'police brutality' before he tripped and fell over. I smirked as I stepped back.

"By the Hammer of Butters!"

Butters ran forward and spun around several times, then let the hammer fly right into the woman's chest. It was an instant knockout, and she fell backwards just as her friends had.

"That's what you get for fucking with us," I said proudly. I turned away from them and mumbled. "Now, if I were meth-infused coffee, where would I be…?"

"Hey, is that it?"

I looked up at the shelf that Butters was pointing at and saw a large paper bag with Tweak's logo on it. Only thing is, it was too high for either of us to reach. I looked around the room and saw a ladder on the other said against the wall.

"Butters, help me move this."

Butters ran over to me and helped me pick up the ladder. It wasn't that heavy, but I wanted to be safe. We brought it over to the shelf and set it up against the wall. I climbed up, grabbed the bag and dropped it into Butters' arms.

"Got it!"

I slid down the ladder and landed on the floor. As I was dusting myself off Butters came over and put a hand on my shoulder.

"Oh gosh, your nose is bleeding."

"It's fine," I said, raising a hand to cover my nose. "It's just a scratch. I've had worse happen to me at my ball games."

Butters didn't appear to be listening. He was rummaging around in his pouch for something. A second later he pulled out what looked like a tiny, dot-shaped band aid. I stared as he walked forward and pressed it gently to my nose.

"There. Now it won't get infected."

I grinned. "Thanks. Alright, let's get back to the coffee shop."

It took us half an hour to make it back to the shop. We ended up passing a huge group of elves on our way there. We were able to take them out eventually, but we still ended up getting even more bruised up than we already were. Still, it felt good louting those bastards for some more money and supplies.

"Jesus, you guys take this game kinda seriously, huh?" I said as I handed Butters a box of cookies I had taken from one of the elves.

"Well, it's more than a game for us," Butters' health increased as he ate his cookies. "We take pride in all that we do, no matter how small it is. It's the only thing we have that's ours only, yah know? So we gotta give it our all."

I nodded. I felt like they took this game a little too seriously, but I understood. I mean, bruises or no bruises I was having more fun than I ever thought I would. And it didn't seem like there was much else to do around here, so I could understand why they would keep at it so much.

Once we arrived at the coffee shop we immediately went straight for the back door. Tweek was still in there, sitting on a stool while drinking some coffee. The place was still cluttered, but it seemed to be much cleaner than before. When we entered the room Tweek snapped his head up at us, then jumped out of his seat.

"You did it!" he cheered as he ran over to me and grabbed the bag. "YOU GOT THE PICKUP! Oh thanks, man!"

"No problem."

"Dad! I finished my work, can I go play?" Tweek shouted.

"Where's today's delivery?"

"Right here!"

Mr. Tweak, who had been working on something in the back corner, walked out and came over to us. He took the bag and poked a finger inside to examine it. Then he tasted it, and I groaned in disgust.

"Hm… Yup, that's good shit," he said. "Alright, Tweek, you can play for a little bit. But, be home before dark or you'll be grounded. Grounded… like the fresh grinds of our all organic Tweak blend, made with ingredients from local tweekers."

"No kidding," I muttered.

"Thanks, Ash," Tweek said quickly. "I gotta go get changed and then I'll meet you at the kingdom!"

Before I could say bye or anything, Tweek ran out of the room and left. Right as he did I felt my phone buzz. I had gained another follower.

* * *

"So, what's this Craig kid like?"

"Oh, he's alright. But he does have a bit of an attitude, and it gets him into trouble sometimes."

I nodded. I knew kids like that in New York, more than I cared to admit. Once we reached the tall blue house I marched up and knocked on the door. So much had happened today that I was prepared for just about anything that came my way this time. The door opened, and a plump man with ginger hair opened the door.

"Hey sir, is Craig here? We were wondering if he could come out and play?" I asked.

"You're lookin' for Craig? Well, he can't play, he's in detention. Something about flippin' off the principal."

And with that, he shut the door in my face. I stood there and stared for several seconds before turning to look at Butters.

"Sometimes, huh?"

He shrugged. _Well, shit_.


End file.
